“How does a nanny earn more than the average pediatrician? The simple answer is hard work….” So reports Adam Davidson in his New York Times article on March 20^th. Really? How I wish that statement were true. I know hundreds and hundreds of very hardworking nannies with years of experience and sterling recommendations who will never see anything close to $180,000 a year. Of course, they don’t live in NYC where stratospheric Wall Street and other titans of the earth salaries allow for such largesse. And even in DC, where plenty of people could afford to pay at that level, they don’t. It’s just not our market. We’re much more like London where $75,000 is considered an eye-brow raising, high end salary.

Please know that I am thrilled when nannies get paid well. But do I love the on-call, 24/7 jobs? Not a bit. When nannies land those jobs, we know they have sold their souls. Those jobs smack of indentured servitude. When you get right down to it, that $180,000 fancy- dancy salary is really $20.00 hour assuming the nanny is really on all the time as indicated. Let’s reconsider the word largesse.

A lot of agency owners will be bothered by The Times article. Those high paying positions are so few and far between– and so not representative of the nanny industry. When I read any article in The New York Times Magazine, I hope it’s going to be more enlightening than one written for People Magazine. Information versus infotainment. The evening news versus Access Hollywood. (Both of which I watch)  Davidson gives the reader a voyeur’s delight. How does the other half live? Take a peek. It’s not really economic commentary. Is this fat cat’s $180,000 a year nanny that much better than Davidson’s $18 an hour hire?  Does it matter?

Davidson was spot on when he mentioned: “…alas, it seems that there just aren’t enough ‘good’ nannies on call, to go around”. What we do have are on-line sites fictitiously boasting thousands of qualified caregivers in every zip code. Alas, no, there aren’t. What we have now is great technology– not an abundance of qualified nannies.

I was impressed that the nanny in the article kept moving up the salary ladder with each of new job. Let me assure you that this ascent is often atypical. Many nannies after working for 5 years with one family are lucky not to have to backtrack a few bucks an hour in their next position. The rational goes something like this:  It’s a new family. They don’t know you. You need to earn their trust. They’re just starting out. If you want to take care of a baby and have a long-term job (even though you may already have 10 years experience), you may have to take a salary cut. Where else does this happen?

I agree that the real world is not half as entertaining as hearing about the $180,000 a year nanny salary, or the Zamboni riding nanny, or the horse grooming nanny. Check out of the number or comments to this article. But instead of worrying about whether one’s child will suffer with a “mid-market nanny”, it would be great if someone could tackle the real childcare issues in this country. We aren’t training a work force to care for our kids. We don’t have anyone to take care of our kids for the 4 or 5 hours after school until working parents can get home. We have no national childcare policy. We don’t even have enough really good nannies to fill the positions for those who can afford the going rates… Oh-So not glamorous.

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Stella McCartney (Paul’s daughter) is having trouble uttering the word “nanny”. It just sounds wrong to her. She prefers the word “friend”. We need to talk about this.

Let’s be clear, on some level there is no greater “friend” to a mom trying to manage the work/life balance than her nanny. The nanny allows her to function at work while her children are happy, safe, and well cared for at home. As we all know, if it’s not working at home, it’s not working in the office. But starting out wanting your nanny to be your friend may not be a wise idea.

We hear a wide range of requests from moms in search of childcare at WHN. They range from a chilling: “I’m not looking for a friend” to the very warm and fuzzy: “We want her to be a member of the family.” I’d put the “friend” request somewhere in the middle but closer to the warm and fuzzy end of the request spectrum. I would like to point out when dads call they NEVER ask not to be sent a friend or conversely to be sent a family member. They probably think they have enough friends and family. This how-to-call-the-person-taking–care-of-my-children dilemma seems to be more a maternal issue. I’m not saying I don’t understand the friend request—I’m just going to recommend caution.

A lot of women who work in childcare come from countries where there are strong class distinctions. Employers don’t consider them “friends”. The structure is clear. I am not advocating perpetuating the world of upstairs downstairs despite my abject devotion to Downton Abbey.  I do think that “befriending” an employee from the get go–especially someone from a culture where that is not done–muddies the water. Beverly Turner, who recently wrote about the nanny VS friend dilemma in The Telegraph, describes herself in the following way: “I wasn’t just a first time mother; I was a cross-cultural communicator lost in a sea of social mobility”. No one says that navigating the waters of the mother/nanny relationship is easy.

First and foremost, your nanny IS your employee.  She has been hired to take care of your children. When you interview to fill the childcare position, my advice is to look for a great “employee”. That doesn’t mean that your employee cannot evolve into your friend –on some level. In the same way, don’t start out trying to hire a member of the family. Relationships evolve. And blurring the lines of this relationship makes it a whole lot harder to manage your household. You run the risk of confusing your employee and making her uncomfortable. It is also a lot harder to critique a friend. Of course, you want to like this person and to have good chemistry with her as you are working together as a team to raise your children. I heartily endorse being thoughtful, kind, and courteous to your nanny.

Your nanny is hired to care of the children, not to be your confidant/friend. With a friend/employee, you run the risk of over-sharing. This can be most uncomfortable for your nanny. TMI. Over the years, I have listened to nannies that are beside themselves because their employers want to confide intimate details of their lives with them. Trust me–they do not want to know. They do not want to find themselves between you and your spouse.

There are an abundance of wonderful, heart-warming stories of nannies that have been completely woven into the fabric of the families for whom they have worked. These nannies become extended family- family members that have been chosen. They are considered friends to both children and parents. But these relationships were years in the making. When starting out, a clear sense of roles and responsibilities will make for a better long-term relationship.

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First a disclaimer: I am no parenting expert. My expertise is in nanny placement. But I just can’t hold myself back from jumping into this conversation about the new book “Bringing up Bebe” by Pamela Druckerman. French parenting is certainly getting a lot of attention.  My question is– are the French really so much better at child-rearing than we Americans are? I am clear that there is no contest with their food and wine.

Last week I sat at dinner with 3 baby boomer moms—all together we raised 9 kids for better or worse. We talked about how we were raised, how we raised our kids, and how the French are raising les enfants.

The conclusion we came to is that we were raised very differently from how we raised our kids. Very differently. In fact, we were brought up much more a la Francais. While we felt loved and cared for, we were not the centers of attention. Our parents did not drop everything they were doing to focus on us. We did not interrupt when they were speaking. Our parents did not go to our pre-schools, elementary schools, middle schools, high schools unless there was a Christmas play, a teacher’s conference, the first or last day of school, or if we were in hot water. They had their own lives even though a lot of mothers were not working outside the home.

Now, many parents live at their kids’ schools. We used to refer them as “the moms who go to school.”  For us working moms, those moms did irk the hell out of us.  Then there are the moms who say:  “We have a science test to work on” or “We have an English paper due tomorrow.” Puhleeze!

As children, most of us wanted to please our parents.  We did our own homework. We were taught manners. We used them. My mother practiced the raised eyebrow school of discipline. All I had to do was sense disapproval and I shaped up.  This methodology failed miserably with my kids. What happened?

My window on the parenting world is fairly large because of my job. I hear parents talk about raising their kids. I hear nannies talking about how their employers are raising their children and what they think about that. Nannies also share how they were raised in countries all over the world and how they choose to raise their offspring—often very differently from how it is done where they work. Some prefer to leave their young children in their native countries to be raised by relatives because they don’t like American child-rearing.

I think we would all admit that the pendulum took a big swing when the boomers started raising kids. What I don’t get is why?  What were we thinking?  Were we reacting to the benevolent dictatorships in our homes? Had we felt ignored? Why did we think that all this uber parenting was such a good idea? It was just so easy to get sucked into this new culture of helicopter parenting.

I hope this book –which I do plan to read–starts a conversation that makes young parents look at parenting with some perspective. It’s exhausting to take care of children who run the show.

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BREAKING UP IS HARD TO DO

Finding the right nanny for your family isn’t easy. Breaking up with your nanny isn’t any easier. I’ve listened to many families and nannies over the years describe the dissolution of their relationships. I keep a big box of Kleenex on my desk. Sometimes I want to reach for a tissue myself.

A nanny job— taking care of someone’s children for 50 hours a week –is like no other. All that intensity and then— it’s over. It’s a loss felt intensely by nanny and child. As the parent and employer, how do you best handle the break-up? There are many situations that result in the end to the nanny’s employment.

In some cases, the child has just aged out of the arrangement. He or she is going to school and there is no longer a need for full time care. If the family and nanny can’t work out ways to continue the relationship, the nanny will have to move on. In this situation, there is no fault or blame. The best way to deal here is for both parties to sit down and talk about the obvious—the kids are going to be in school all day in the fall—and talk about a departure date. The family should offer to write a letter reference and give the caregiver as much time as possible to find a new position. Fortunately, either in the beginning or end of summer there is turn-over in the market and a reasonable time frame for the nanny to do her job search.

I understand that may people worry about the lame-duck status of someone working in their house with their children once the job is over. Fortunately, I have never heard of a caregiver taking out the sad news on the child or children. Obviously, if the relationship takes a turn for the worse, the end will need to come sooner.

What happens if the relationship just isn’t working out, but you’ve been together a long time? There were many good years to be thankful for. Again, talk about moving on, give a reasonable departure time (two to four weeks), and write a letter of reference.  If at all possible, try not to end on a bad note. Take the high road even if you feel your caregiver is falling down on the job now. There were many good years in the past. It’s just time.

Recently I’ve had two families part company: one after 7 years and another after 2. Neither departure was good. In the first instance, the caregiver whose job was winding down, answered a child’s question in an incredibly insensitive, may I say, stupid way. (Note to nannies: politics and religion should be left to the parents.) After a week of being given the silent treatment by the offended mom, the nanny quit. After 7 years! The youngest child lost her best friend, and the family feels terrible that the relationship ended so badly. I encouraged the nanny to call and talk to them. I am hoping both parties will come to an understanding and be able to develop some perspective.

The other nanny was summarily dismissed. As a live-in nanny, losing her job meant losing her income and the roof over her head. No one should be put out on the street unless something egregious was done. In this case, both nanny and parent had a litany of gripes and needed to break up. It was just the HOW that disturbed me. No matter how angry or how much you disagree with decisions, actions, or statements that were made, throwing someone out of your house is extreme. Relieve them of their duties, but allow them time to respond with their point of view (even if you don’t care) and give them time to find a place to go. If there is an egregious incident, then immediate dismissal is in order.

Taking the high road is always my advice. Give your nanny severance. Most caregivers live pay check to pay check.  Hopefully, you will have the amount spelled out in your contract. Two weeks is basic and standard. But if someone has been in your employ a long time or if you know that two weeks salary is too little to tide them over until they find a new job, more severance would certainly be helpful. Provide a letter of reference which includes dates of employment and job description. I don’t advise anyone to lie in the letter or be overly positive if you aren’t feeling that way. On the other hand, there are probably a myriad of positive things you can list when thinking back over the years.   I realize it may be hard to have a warm fuzzy perspective when you are really ready to move on. Breaking up with your nanny is an emotional experience no matter why the break-up is happening.  Everyone feels some loss. Try to take the high road.

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Finally, winter arrived– at least for a day or two. And we know it’s coming back.  Brrrr.  When the thermometer registers in the teens and there’s frost on the windows, you might think twice about a stroll around the block with the baby or a play time in the local park with your energetic toddler and pre-schoolers.  We have clients who want their kids outside no matter what the temperature and nannies– especially those from warmer climates –who don’t want to poke their noses outside when it registers less than 45 degrees. This is a great topic of conversation to have when interviewing a prospective caregiver. If you are interviewing in July or August, concerns about kids going out in the winter are probably not on your mind.  But it’s still a great time to find out if you are going to be compatible when the temperature does plummet.

Every winter we also get calls from nannies suffering from cabin fever. There are nannies who do want to be outside at least some of the time in the winter. It’s hard to be cooped up in a house for ten hours a day five days a week. A walk outside helps break up the day. If it’s raining, snowing, or just too cold, a drive to a mall or museum may be a help in breaking up the monotony of being trapped indoors for days on end.

Here are some helpful guidelines. 30 degrees or higher, it’s fine to be outside as long as everyone is dressed appropriately. More on that later. From 20 to 30 degrees, you don’t want to be out too long without periodic indoor breaks to warm up. Unless prompted, many young children would stay out until they’re really cold and not even realize it.  Also, pay particular attention to the wind chill factor. It really affects how cold it will feel and how safe it is to play outside. The thermometer may say 30 degrees, but with the wind chill factored in, it may only be in the teens.

A natural inclination is to bundle a baby up in the frigid air. But babies aren’t able to regulate their temperature well and they can overheat. The idea is to layer starting with a light base especially cotton. Then put on a middle layer of slightly heavier material like fleece, and finally add a water and wind-resistant outer shell. Feet and fingers are particularly sensitive to changes in temperature. They need protection. And, as your mother always told you, you need something to cover the head. This is where babies (and adults) lose the most heat. If you are trying to assess how cold a baby is, check the nape of the neck–not the more obvious hands or feet.  If the nape is cool add a layer or subtract a layer if it’s clammy.

Now that everyone is dressed appropriately, the winter is a great time to introduce children to winter sports: ice skating, sledding, skiing. Everyone–bundle up-but not too much—and have a great time outdoors. Even if it’s only for a stroll around the block.

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I have heard it in many a new mom’s voice. She’s home alone with her new baby and she’s on the edge. I totally get it because I’ve been there. And so have a lot of others who may not be sharing that information with you.

Let me assure you that I certainly felt that caring for a newborn was a lot harder than I ever would have expected. Or than anyone bothered to mention. Truthfully, when you’re pregnant, who even thinks that caring for a baby might be hard? Mostly you worry about delivering the baby. Not what happens after the birth. Those first days, weeks, and months are humbling. The ratio of pounds to chaos is mind boggling. If you are like most parents seeking childcare in the Washington DC metropolitan area you are highly educated and professionally successful. That’s why you’re here.  You’ve been on career track and are working up the ladder. Then that bundle of joy arrives. Mind you, the baby was wanted, dreamed of, planned for. Well sort of. How do you plan for hours of colic? Or reflux? Or sleepless nights? And the list goes on.

The short answer is there is no real prep course. No SAT- GRE- GMAT- LSAT new parent prep course.  Of course, you go to childbirth classes. But those classes are for childbirth– not what comes after. Thank heavens for those nurses in the hospital.  They make it look so easy. Who knew there was so much you didn’t know. If you were like me, you’d never changed a diaper. Or swaddled a baby.  Or bathed a baby. Or babysat. You WERE the baby of your family.

While we know that somehow babies survive their parents first bumbling months—everything seems so new and daunting and scary. If only that baby could talk and tell you what he or she wants.  Trying to decipher the cries. Is it hunger or fatigue? Often, it’s YOUR fatigue. Having to get up at all hours of the night is a real test. The seemingly endless cycle of feeding, burping, changing, and trying to put them down to sleep. The basics of dealing with a newborn can simply be overwhelming. No one wants to tell you that while you’re pregnant. You have enough to deal with trying to find your feet. They don’t want to spoil it for you. It’s your first baby, and you’re so excited. Who’s going to tell you that pregnancy is the cakewalk—wait till the baby arrives!  And, truthfully, there is no going back. Some people are better at this new parent role than others.  Some babies are easier than others. They sleep more. They aren’t fussy eaters. It’s truly the luck of the draw.

In sum, caring for your own newborn can be a real challenge, but you are far from alone. And you WILL get through. The baby will start to sleep more. You’ll figure out how to feed him or her. You’ll get more sleep. The baby will start to interact with you. You’ll see a smile. You’ll think—I can do this. Maybe we’ll even have another!

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Saturday night my husband and I attended the 10th Anniversary Gala of A Wider Circle. We walked away so moved by what we heard.  The following is a description of Mark Bergel, the founder of this organization. There are those people who talk the talk. And then there are those who walk the walk. Mark is the true embodiment of the latter.

Dr. Mark Bergel’s life holds little resemblance today to what it was only ten years ago.  In 2001, Mark spent his days teaching and leading workshops on individual and societal health at local universities and corporations. Today, leading an organization that the Catalogue for Philanthropy calls “one of the finest charities Greater Washington has to offer,” Mark’s activities can range from meeting with political and business leaders to hoisting couches onto the pick-up trucks of local families in need. Though his organization has already served more than 80,000 children and adults – including the provision of urgently needed beds, dressers, cribs, and more to families across the region – Mark does not go to sleep each night on a bed of his own.  Rather, he ends his often 17-hour workdays by collapsing onto his couch or floor, pledging to not sleep in a bed until every child and adult in the country has a bed on which to sleep.

by Layne Amerikaner, Member, A Wider Circle Advisory Board

So often we hear of far flung philanthropic efforts reaching from Africa to Afghanistan and all places in between. What strikes me is that we don’t have to leave this country or even our own zip code to find real need, real poverty. I think that’s why A Wider Circle so resonates with me. Charity begins at home. In our own back yard we have incredible heart-breaking need. Thank goodness someone had the vision and the incredible doggedness to take an idea, a great idea, and turn it into a life altering reality.

So, to recap: a family of four—husband, wife, five year-old daughter and tree-month old son—had only one bed. The mother, father, and the daughter sleep together in the bed and the son slept in his car seat. Tonight, the parents will have the bed to themselves, the daughter will be sleeping in her own bed, and the son will be sleeping in a crib. Sounds like a good day at the office to me!

A Wider Circle staff member

That description of a day in the office can give us all some much needed perspective. Let’s face it. Which of us doesn’t have a list of complaints on any given day??? We hope that our donations will help get children (and their parents) off the floor and into beds. We hope anyone who reads this will join us in helping this worthwhile cause. The idea of having a bed is so basic. How easy it is to get caught up in our respective “needs” when there are so many who are doing without this most basic possession – a bed.

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Yikes! We’ve had quite a time with natural disasters recently. Just consider what went on in our office during the August 23rd earthquake—half the staff bolted as the building was still swaying and the rest of us just stood around in disbelief.  There was much debate on whether it was better to be under the desk,  in the doorway, or outside away from building. What if the building imploded a la Twin Towers?  When the building was shaking, we really didn’t know what was up.  Was it a terrorist attack in the subway underneath us or an earthquake or some other unexplained disaster?

During the quake, cell service was spotty. Since families most likely will not be together during an emergency, each family should take the time to put together a handbook for the nanny in charge of the children. FEMA has a lot of helpful information on its website especially one article entitled  “Are You Ready?”.

We are trying to get the Red Cross to come to one of our nanny trainings to help us develop some much needed guidance in dealing with natural disasters.   DC has always been accustomed to seismic political upheavals , but we had been spared  most of the natural disasters.

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Horrible! We hate these stories. But let’s look a little closer.

News:

Cops: Nanny Captured On Video Hitting, Kicking 6-Month-Old In Hoboken Condo Complex

Police Said They Are Now Looking For 22-Year-Old Dechen Kyiden Of Queens

August 4, 2011 8:02 PM

The couple used a website — SitterCity.com — to find the nanny, identified as 22-year-old Dechen Kyiden. Police said she’s from the People’s Republic of China.

What they saw, detectives said, made them sick.

“The child started to cry and got struck a few times on the arm by the nanny. It continued to cry and the nanny struck the rear area where the diaper was and kicked the infant,” Hoboken Police Detective Sgt. Anthony Falco said.

And that’s not all. Investigators said before kicking the baby, the nanny dropped the infant on a blanket.

There are so many things wrong with this story. The only good and certainly most important piece of information here is that the baby is fine. But why did these parents who live in what’s described as an upscale condo decide to hire such a low rent caregiver for their baby? Where was their judgment? They used a list serve—SitterCity. Don’t confuse list serves with agencies.  Sittercity users post names and brief descriptions. There is no vetting . Whatever is said has not been verified by anyone.  People buying used cars are more careful in checking them out (VIN numbers) than the people using sites like these. But they are cheap. Hiring unvetted and often untruthful people to take care of non verbal children makes us shudder. There has to be a better way.

That brings me to a recent NPR series on childcare. One question that was posed to the participants was : Did they think childcare workers were paid enough? The answer was no. Then when these same people were asked if childcare cost too much, they answered yes. And there is the conundrum. We all want great childcare for our kids but can’t figure out how to have great and affordable at the same time.

We haven’t come up with any good answers in the 25 years I’ve been in the business.  We now have a proliferation of on line sites.  Situations like the one in Hoboken are unfortunately destined to be repeated. Technology has given parents easier access to job seekers/ potential caregivers. What it hasn’t done is given them a pool of highly skilled, qualified and affordable childcare providers. How do we solve this problem?

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