Finally, winter arrived– at least for a day or two. And we know it’s coming back.  Brrrr.  When the thermometer registers in the teens and there’s frost on the windows, you might think twice about a stroll around the block with the baby or a play time in the local park with your energetic toddler and pre-schoolers.  We have clients who want their kids outside no matter what the temperature and nannies– especially those from warmer climates –who don’t want to poke their noses outside when it registers less than 45 degrees. This is a great topic of conversation to have when interviewing a prospective caregiver. If you are interviewing in July or August, concerns about kids going out in the winter are probably not on your mind.  But it’s still a great time to find out if you are going to be compatible when the temperature does plummet.

Every winter we also get calls from nannies suffering from cabin fever. There are nannies who do want to be outside at least some of the time in the winter. It’s hard to be cooped up in a house for ten hours a day five days a week. A walk outside helps break up the day. If it’s raining, snowing, or just too cold, a drive to a mall or museum may be a help in breaking up the monotony of being trapped indoors for days on end.

Here are some helpful guidelines. 30 degrees or higher, it’s fine to be outside as long as everyone is dressed appropriately. More on that later. From 20 to 30 degrees, you don’t want to be out too long without periodic indoor breaks to warm up. Unless prompted, many young children would stay out until they’re really cold and not even realize it.  Also, pay particular attention to the wind chill factor. It really affects how cold it will feel and how safe it is to play outside. The thermometer may say 30 degrees, but with the wind chill factored in, it may only be in the teens.

A natural inclination is to bundle a baby up in the frigid air. But babies aren’t able to regulate their temperature well and they can overheat. The idea is to layer starting with a light base especially cotton. Then put on a middle layer of slightly heavier material like fleece, and finally add a water and wind-resistant outer shell. Feet and fingers are particularly sensitive to changes in temperature. They need protection. And, as your mother always told you, you need something to cover the head. This is where babies (and adults) lose the most heat. If you are trying to assess how cold a baby is, check the nape of the neck–not the more obvious hands or feet.  If the nape is cool add a layer or subtract a layer if it’s clammy.

Now that everyone is dressed appropriately, the winter is a great time to introduce children to winter sports: ice skating, sledding, skiing. Everyone–bundle up-but not too much—and have a great time outdoors. Even if it’s only for a stroll around the block.

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I have heard it in many a new mom’s voice. She’s home alone with her new baby and she’s on the edge. I totally get it because I’ve been there. And so have a lot of others who may not be sharing that information with you.

Let me assure you that I certainly felt that caring for a newborn was a lot harder than I ever would have expected. Or than anyone bothered to mention. Truthfully, when you’re pregnant, who even thinks that caring for a baby might be hard? Mostly you worry about delivering the baby. Not what happens after the birth. Those first days, weeks, and months are humbling. The ratio of pounds to chaos is mind boggling. If you are like most parents seeking childcare in the Washington DC metropolitan area you are highly educated and professionally successful. That’s why you’re here.  You’ve been on career track and are working up the ladder. Then that bundle of joy arrives. Mind you, the baby was wanted, dreamed of, planned for. Well sort of. How do you plan for hours of colic? Or reflux? Or sleepless nights? And the list goes on.

The short answer is there is no real prep course. No SAT- GRE- GMAT- LSAT new parent prep course.  Of course, you go to childbirth classes. But those classes are for childbirth– not what comes after. Thank heavens for those nurses in the hospital.  They make it look so easy. Who knew there was so much you didn’t know. If you were like me, you’d never changed a diaper. Or swaddled a baby.  Or bathed a baby. Or babysat. You WERE the baby of your family.

While we know that somehow babies survive their parents first bumbling months—everything seems so new and daunting and scary. If only that baby could talk and tell you what he or she wants.  Trying to decipher the cries. Is it hunger or fatigue? Often, it’s YOUR fatigue. Having to get up at all hours of the night is a real test. The seemingly endless cycle of feeding, burping, changing, and trying to put them down to sleep. The basics of dealing with a newborn can simply be overwhelming. No one wants to tell you that while you’re pregnant. You have enough to deal with trying to find your feet. They don’t want to spoil it for you. It’s your first baby, and you’re so excited. Who’s going to tell you that pregnancy is the cakewalk—wait till the baby arrives!  And, truthfully, there is no going back. Some people are better at this new parent role than others.  Some babies are easier than others. They sleep more. They aren’t fussy eaters. It’s truly the luck of the draw.

In sum, caring for your own newborn can be a real challenge, but you are far from alone. And you WILL get through. The baby will start to sleep more. You’ll figure out how to feed him or her. You’ll get more sleep. The baby will start to interact with you. You’ll see a smile. You’ll think—I can do this. Maybe we’ll even have another!

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Saturday night my husband and I attended the 10th Anniversary Gala of A Wider Circle. We walked away so moved by what we heard.  The following is a description of Mark Bergel, the founder of this organization. There are those people who talk the talk. And then there are those who walk the walk. Mark is the true embodiment of the latter.

Dr. Mark Bergel’s life holds little resemblance today to what it was only ten years ago.  In 2001, Mark spent his days teaching and leading workshops on individual and societal health at local universities and corporations. Today, leading an organization that the Catalogue for Philanthropy calls “one of the finest charities Greater Washington has to offer,” Mark’s activities can range from meeting with political and business leaders to hoisting couches onto the pick-up trucks of local families in need. Though his organization has already served more than 80,000 children and adults – including the provision of urgently needed beds, dressers, cribs, and more to families across the region – Mark does not go to sleep each night on a bed of his own.  Rather, he ends his often 17-hour workdays by collapsing onto his couch or floor, pledging to not sleep in a bed until every child and adult in the country has a bed on which to sleep.

by Layne Amerikaner, Member, A Wider Circle Advisory Board

So often we hear of far flung philanthropic efforts reaching from Africa to Afghanistan and all places in between. What strikes me is that we don’t have to leave this country or even our own zip code to find real need, real poverty. I think that’s why A Wider Circle so resonates with me. Charity begins at home. In our own back yard we have incredible heart-breaking need. Thank goodness someone had the vision and the incredible doggedness to take an idea, a great idea, and turn it into a life altering reality.

So, to recap: a family of four—husband, wife, five year-old daughter and tree-month old son—had only one bed. The mother, father, and the daughter sleep together in the bed and the son slept in his car seat. Tonight, the parents will have the bed to themselves, the daughter will be sleeping in her own bed, and the son will be sleeping in a crib. Sounds like a good day at the office to me!

A Wider Circle staff member

That description of a day in the office can give us all some much needed perspective. Let’s face it. Which of us doesn’t have a list of complaints on any given day??? We hope that our donations will help get children (and their parents) off the floor and into beds. We hope anyone who reads this will join us in helping this worthwhile cause. The idea of having a bed is so basic. How easy it is to get caught up in our respective “needs” when there are so many who are doing without this most basic possession – a bed.

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Yikes! We’ve had quite a time with natural disasters recently. Just consider what went on in our office during the August 23rd earthquake—half the staff bolted as the building was still swaying and the rest of us just stood around in disbelief.  There was much debate on whether it was better to be under the desk,  in the doorway, or outside away from building. What if the building imploded a la Twin Towers?  When the building was shaking, we really didn’t know what was up.  Was it a terrorist attack in the subway underneath us or an earthquake or some other unexplained disaster?

During the quake, cell service was spotty. Since families most likely will not be together during an emergency, each family should take the time to put together a handbook for the nanny in charge of the children. FEMA has a lot of helpful information on its website especially one article entitled  “Are You Ready?”.

We are trying to get the Red Cross to come to one of our nanny trainings to help us develop some much needed guidance in dealing with natural disasters.   DC has always been accustomed to seismic political upheavals , but we had been spared  most of the natural disasters.

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Horrible! We hate these stories. But let’s look a little closer.

News:

Cops: Nanny Captured On Video Hitting, Kicking 6-Month-Old In Hoboken Condo Complex

Police Said They Are Now Looking For 22-Year-Old Dechen Kyiden Of Queens

August 4, 2011 8:02 PM

The couple used a website — SitterCity.com — to find the nanny, identified as 22-year-old Dechen Kyiden. Police said she’s from the People’s Republic of China.

What they saw, detectives said, made them sick.

“The child started to cry and got struck a few times on the arm by the nanny. It continued to cry and the nanny struck the rear area where the diaper was and kicked the infant,” Hoboken Police Detective Sgt. Anthony Falco said.

And that’s not all. Investigators said before kicking the baby, the nanny dropped the infant on a blanket.

There are so many things wrong with this story. The only good and certainly most important piece of information here is that the baby is fine. But why did these parents who live in what’s described as an upscale condo decide to hire such a low rent caregiver for their baby? Where was their judgment? They used a list serve—SitterCity. Don’t confuse list serves with agencies.  Sittercity users post names and brief descriptions. There is no vetting . Whatever is said has not been verified by anyone.  People buying used cars are more careful in checking them out (VIN numbers) than the people using sites like these. But they are cheap. Hiring unvetted and often untruthful people to take care of non verbal children makes us shudder. There has to be a better way.

That brings me to a recent NPR series on childcare. One question that was posed to the participants was : Did they think childcare workers were paid enough? The answer was no. Then when these same people were asked if childcare cost too much, they answered yes. And there is the conundrum. We all want great childcare for our kids but can’t figure out how to have great and affordable at the same time.

We haven’t come up with any good answers in the 25 years I’ve been in the business.  We now have a proliferation of on line sites.  Situations like the one in Hoboken are unfortunately destined to be repeated. Technology has given parents easier access to job seekers/ potential caregivers. What it hasn’t done is given them a pool of highly skilled, qualified and affordable childcare providers. How do we solve this problem?

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So what exactly can you ask your nanny to do? This question is popping up a lot.

First and foremost a nanny’s job is to take excellent care of the children in her charge. Everyone seems to be clear on that premise. It’s all the extra requests that can cause problems. There isn’t a week that goes by that we don’t discuss what tasks are fair or realistic for a parent to ask a nanny to do beyond taking care of the children. To be fair, there is a lot of grey area.

Here’s the standard that most agencies quote: “Anything to do with the children is the nanny’s job: making their meals and maintaining the kitchen, cleaning their rooms, washing their laundry and putting it away, straightening  and organizing their play area and toys.” So far, so good. While there is a domestic component to any nanny job, most nannies do not want to be viewed as domestics. They are not billing themselves as housecleaners or housekeepers. But, there are nanny housekeepers or housekeeper nannies whose jobs may be 50% childcare and 50% housekeeping. Housekeepers often make more on an hourly basis than nannies. I’ve never understood why.

The issues arise when expectations aren’t clear or realistic. Most nannies do not want to wash their employers’ underwear. While throwing in an extra load or two of laundry –time permitting-may not be a big deal, the thought of dealing with boxers and bras is not appealing to many nannies—especially younger ones.

Food prep presents another possible point of disagreement. Many parents would love to have help with dinner especially if the nanny is preparing food for the children. Many nannies draw the line. They do not want to cook for the adults—mostly because they feel that they aren’t chefs or cooks. It’s added pressure for them and can be time consuming. But there are exceptions. We have some nannies who love to cook and bake. It’s a creative outlet for them. Once the children are old enough to be eating what their parents eat, I don’t think it’s too much to ask for the nanny to make extra of anything she’s making for the children. Unless it makes her unhappy.

New moms often think that babies are easy and that nannies have a lot of down time. They think they need to give their employees a list of chores to keep them busy. “I’m not paying her to sit all day”—an unpleasant refrain we’ve heard too many times.  Let me assure you as the mother of a colicky baby, all babies are not easy, and there isn’t always a big block in the day with nothing to do. Remember, if a nanny is vacuuming she may not hear crying. If she has a list of domestic chores to do, she will not be spending that time with the baby.

My suggestion is to find out what a nanny really likes to do domestically.  Some people love doing laundry.  Others,   not so much. Play to people’s strength.

One additional  area to address. Nannies aren’t dog walkers.  There is a proliferation of businesses that offer dog walking services. Many nannies especially, those from other cultures, are not excited in the least about taking care of cats and dogs. (Include gerbils, bunnies, snakes, etc in the list) Opening the back door to let the dog out is not too much to ask. Cleaning out pet cages—no.

Nannying is a professional choice for those who love to care for, nurture, and teach children one on one in a home setting. For years nannies have tried to distinguish themselves from being equated with housekeepers or domestics—and now pet sitters. There are different skill sets involved in each job. While it would be great for employers to find the all-in-one person to make their lives easier, this expectation is not particularly realistic. The focus when filling a childcare position needs to be on finding the best nanny for the children. All the rest is gravy.

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It’s time for so many families to get ready for their annual  family beach vacations. Many are not just dealing with their immediate family but also with their extended family including parents, siblings and cousins. Claire who runs WHN Temporary Division said growing up she had up to 35 people at a time in their beach house. And the tradition continues -just with more space. Memories are made of these precious days of sand, sun, surf and shared space.

For some of us, the beach was really the only possible answer to summer break.  Our kids never got along well—let me be clear, they were TERRIBLE together– but somehow a  big stretch of sand, plenty of digging tools, pails, and coolers filled with food seemed to be the elixir that worked. When I say our kids didn’t get along, let me be very clear. We couldn’t travel in the same car together. Someone was always breathing someone else’s air.  Someone was always taking up too much of the seat. There were always  pokes, jabs, tears and  the resulting parental interventions.  Remember – there were no DVDs to divert, no iPads, etc.   Ultimately, we decided for the sake of our sanity to divide up the family for travel—I flew with one child and my husband drove with the other.

These are not proud memories I am sharing. Just a little behind the scenes drama that I’m sure  some other families experience. Sibling rivalry sucks. My husband and I tried every ploy we could think of .  I read any book and article I could get my hands on. Siblings Without Rivalry was my bedside bible. It wasn’t a fun  parenting time. And it went on for what seemed like forever. But if you ask our children about their summer weeks at the beach, they will have no recollection of discord. Loving, indulgent grandmothers came and beloved cousins, aunts and uncles visited. We have wonderful photos and video commemorating every year. As the kids got into college and then their work lives, these beach vacations sadly ended.

Tonight our daughter is getting on a plane to fly to LA to spend the July 4^th holiday with her brother. Our kids are having their Independence Day celebration  beachside independent of their parents.  Our son has made all sorts of plans to keep his sister busy and happy. Hiking, biking, dinners, parties. I can hardly believe I’m writing this. For all of you struggling with fighting siblings, there is hope. Hang in there.

Happy 4^th of July one and all!

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The Washington Post recently had an article about two parents differing on how their nanny handled a situation with their child. The dad weighed in on the side of the nanny. His decision to support the nanny (right or wrong) clearly created a tense situation in that household!

Wisely, most people hire a nanny who has good experience and good judgment.  But there are times when the nanny and the mom may have differences of opinions. The mom is clearly the decider. She is the last word when it comes to decisions related to her child.  Until the dad presents his view which may be at odds with his wife’s –but in line with the nanny’s way of thinking. Are you still following me? Mom and nanny are at odds, and now mom is also at odds with her spouse. This is not going to be a happy household.   What to do?

The best advice I can give parents-especially new ones–is to get on the same page with your spouse. While you may not agree on everything in child rearing, try to agree not to disagree in front of your caregiver. It’s a good precedent to set. Over the years, I have had calls from frustrated nannies who have received contradictory instructions from parents. Clearly that puts the nanny in a no win situation. One of her employers isn’t going to be happy with her. And the nanny is going to end up uncomfortable and not liking her job. No one wants to get in between spouses.

This situation of mixed messages is further complicated by the dynamic of mother and nanny. It is a completely different relationship from that of father and nanny. The obvious–”This woman (my nanny) is with my child and I’m not.”  No matter what the mom does or how much she needs the nanny in her life, there are complicated psychological forces at work. “Will my child like the nanny more than me?”  “I know I shouldn’t feel jealousy, but I do”, etc.

I’ve always felt that kids know who their real mothers are and that having kids bond with their nanny is a good thing for everyone involved. I also know that kids are amazingly smart in figuring out how to divide and conquer. They may not be able to articulate what’s going on, but somehow they can sense the dissension.  As kids get older, one the best things you can do to make them feel secure is to have a united front with your spouse. Make it your job. Even if you don’t have 100% agreement, don’t let your children know. In the end, the united front is probably more important in their development than being right or wrong on any given issue.

And finally, back to the nanny who disagreed with the mom. Communication and respect are key aspects in any good relationship.  The nanny and the mom share a common goal–trying to do what is best for the child. Sitting down and discussing their differing opinions may be the best course to take.  In the end, they may each learn something from each other and help build their relationship.

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We  have always thought of DC as Hollywood East. Until we read about Angie and Brad. They really take it to a different level. We think our clients are demanding–and they can be. Then we read about Brad and Angie. We think it’s tough to  find the perfect nanny for a family of two  in this town–then we read about the  nanny pool for Angie and Brad. Think about staffing nannies for a family with six kids!!! Here’s what the famous parents want:  college grads with Elementary Ed  degrees who speaks TWO languages. Each child has a nanny who speaks the language of his/her native country. The nannies have to be willing to travel. And we’re not talking the requisite Nantucket 2- 4 week stay. Travel with this family is  all over the world— they have their  3 homes in  New Orleans ,California,  and France . And then there are the movie sets. That’s when those education degrees come in so handy. The kids have classrooms whereever they are. But if you’re a nanny and have a boyfriend, forget it. I can’t imagine there’s much time to hang out with your honey. Now let’s talk about cost. Good thing they’re Angie and Brad. Salaries range between $50,000 and $150,000 per nanny. We did some quick math, and we’re glad Brad and Angie are such earners. Really, a million in childcare a year? We  thought this info was fascinating. We just wish we were the agency filling those jobs. Then again, I think we’ll stick to the challenges closer to home .

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I’m a nervous mother.  I started out that way.  Afraid of little ones falling, bumping their heads, poking eyes.  Fortunately, my spouse didn’t share my fear/neurosis and encouraged our children in their physical feats.  I just closed my eyes.  As our children grew up I found more things to worry about–  “Don’t take the subway alone at night”. ” Don’t walk home  when it’s dark. ” Underground garages?? Don’t get me started.  And then there is my morbid fear of ATMs.  I ‘m the person who told her nannies not to use them because everyone knows when you walk up to the machine, you’re coming back with $$$ not milk or diapers.  Then what happened? At 9 AM  one Friday morning with my mother in tow, I got held up at gunpoint at MY bank on  a sleepy Bethesda side street.  Before we knew it, we were both on the floor with sawed off shotguns over our heads.

So  my fears are rooted in history.  I was held up at gunpoint twice when I owned my ice cream parlor on Capitol Hill.   In college, I was mugged in my car  while waiting for a friend to run into a restaurant to pick up our pizza.  But I have been lucky.  What just  happened on Bethesda Avenue- the street where I have worked for  over 25 years -is horrific.  Two innocent young women brutalized by strange masked men.   One is dead.  It doesn’t help my fear quotient. I didn’t like going into our office  garage or even our office on weekends before this happened.  This senseless, vicious crime has impacted our whole community.   Now when we walk down our charming, bustling street, we will always feel an acute  sadness along with the loss of our sense  of security.

 Right after this incident, my daughter who lives in NYC told me she was dropping off an overdue project  at office builiding late at night.  Of course, I started in–”Please don’t go tonight.”  And for the first time, she got my point in an instant.  She said,” OK-You’re right.  I’ll take it tomorrow morning.”  I hate that I may be making her fearful or feeding some neurosis, but I can’t help myself. Every person learning about  those two girls  felt they could just as easily  been their friends,  their sisters, their  daughters.  There is a fine line between being cautious and becoming neurotic.   We worry about protecting our little ones from bumps and brusies.  With incidents like the one at Lululemon this past weekend, we know  the desire to protect our kids doesn’t stop–  even when they grow up. Sometimes the things we worry about most do happen. And sometimes those things are  even worse than  we could have ever imagined.

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